Well life is coming full swing again.  It’s amazing I can have an entire day to myself (Friday) and do nothing other then house chores and watch TV and play Video Games . . . and still fell like I didn’t rest.  Saturday came and I had to run band practice in the morning, then I had all afternoon to myself.  I did a bit of grocery shopping, cleaned the apartment more, and watched TV and played some COD 4 . . . and still didn’t feel like I rested.  Maybe it’s just a mind set . . . it must be.  I had more free time this weekend then I’ve had in a while, but still felt like I need another day off.  Ever had those weekends ?

Anywho, in other news:

     -The Dog continues to do better and better every day.  I actually put his collar and leash on him today to take him out to pee.  He’s a little more stumblie today, but he’s also walking with his back much more flat then before (he was walking with it arched some what and kind of tense) . . . so I think because he’s walking with a more relaxed back he stumbling a bit more.  It’ll work out I’m sure.  Tomorrow morning we go back to the vet to get another check up.

     -The Valentines Banquet looms closer and closer.  I have to order the replacement lamps tomorrow (now that I have approval to spend the money) to replace 10 of the 17 lights that are burned out. If I order them tomorrow I should have them in about a week.  I want to start replacing and focusing the lights ASAP as it takes FOREVER !  And I mean it takes like 18 to 20 hours to do this.  This year I’m going to try a gradient type thing on the floor lights.  I’ll post some pictures of years past . . . if I can figure out how to actually link to a picture in a post.  Sigh. 

     -Now I am being told I need to go and eat . . . so I shall do as instructed.

Well gang, its been a wild roller coaster of emotions lately.  Up and down and round and round.  So I decided to try and post on something OTHER then my dog. 

However I wont be totally successful because I’m going to tell you that he’s doing much better.  He walking in, more or less, strait lines.  He still looses his balance if he goes too fast and he’s hobbling a bit . . . but he’s walking !  He’s walking better every day.  He cant go down steps yet . . . however (in a somewhat heart stopping moment earlier today) I found the he could indeed go UP steps. I left him alone downstairs for a few minutes . . . only to return to no dog . . . until I looked Upstairs.   He occasionally gets the shakes and quivers, and sometimes whines about it and gets even tenser all over.  The vet told  me that this is not a seizure, but just his muscles and nerves and brain sorting things out.  “He’s gonna’ some weird stuff like that for a while” was the vets assurance to me. 

Anywho, in other news . . . 

My 21 days of fasting are over.  I cheated a few times, several times I thought I was going to go hungry, the first few days saw caffeine headaches like I’ve never had before . . . but all in all a very good fast.  I feel like I got some stuff in my life sorted out.  The dog is getting better and better every day (he got sick exactly half way through the fast and started getting better on the second to last day of it).  I feel like I’v made an accomplishment and a real sacrifice to God saying ‘I’m willing to give up stuff to remind myself that You are what is most important in life.’  It’s easy to say ‘God your most important’ . . . but doing something to prove it is not so easy.

I need to clean up the apartment some.  I’ve been living downstairs for like . . . well for the past 12 days.  I pulled the guest mattress downstairs to use with the couches to make an area for the dog to stay in.  It’s kind of a pit with a tarp and then some blankets and a puppy pad to . . . well you know . . . catch any runoff.  I slept on the mattress and had the dog laying in ‘the pit’ next to me so he wouldn’t freak out (he’s use to sleeping right next to me at night).  So I’ve been sleeping in the living room for a while.

Tonight I think I’ll carry his heavy butt upstairs and we’ll try sleeping on the upstairs bed.  I may have to lay the tarp on one side of it.  I’m afraid that he might have an accident and stain the mattress . . . through it’s been days since he’s gone to the bathroom inside.  I think if we can pull this off, and I close the bedroom door to make sure he doesn’t try to sneak downstairs in the middle of the night, I’m going to get the best nights sleep that I’ve had in . . . well in 12 days.  Also, the vet gave me some more of those sleeping pills for the dog . . . so hopefully he wont wake up at 2am and want to do stuff. 

Thanks to everyone who’s commented or e-mailed me.  It’s meant a lot.  Even though this is just my dog . . . those who know me know me not just my dog . . . he’s my Bailey. 

Yesterday Pastor Davis talked about Hope. That was exactly what I needed to hear about.  There was a lot that he talked about, but here are the main points that I thought applied to me . . . and to Bailey.  I’m leaving out the explination Pastor gave for each point because I don’t have that long to write lol.

Hope is the strength to wait for Gods bets outcome. 

Don’t put all your hope in a particular outcome to prayer bur rather put your hope in God.  Putting all your hope in outcome A may not line up with Gods will.  Put your hope in Him and He will make all things happen for the best (even if we cant see that now, He sees the big picture).

It wont always go my way.  God never promised us a life free of pain.  He never promised us that we wouldn’t have to go through stuff.  But He did promise to be there with us and to lead us out of it if we will follow Him.  We have false hope if we hope to overcome pain before we feel it.  We say “God don’t let me go through this !” but He says “I’ll walk you through it.”

God is the object of my Faith and Hope, not an outcome that I want.  It’s good to pray for a particular outcome that we want, but don’t put all your hope in it . . . put your Hope in God and His will.

Anywho, Sunday night was a prayer service.  I prayed that God would just give me peace about what decision to make.  Because to be honest with you . . . this whole thing has me worn down.  I’m ready for it to end.  I never got a clear answer one way or the other.  That kind of made me mad.  I was finally ok in my head with putting Bailey to sleep, if that’s what I was suppose to do, and I wasn’t getting a clear peace about it.

Then I went back to the apartment, where Shawn (The1Shagg) was watching football and keeping the dog company on what we figured would most likely be his last evening. 

And then the Dog did the strangest thing when I took him outside to pee. 

He got up off the ground, on his wobbely legs, and took a few lunging steps forward.  He made a zig-zag line for his favorite spot to pee.  He was up and walking, lurching as it might be.

Course he plopped down on the spot and I had to pick him up and hold his front end up to pee . . . but he had walked over there.

This morning I took him to the vet and although the tile floor was a bit too slippery for him, the vet could see that he was making progress.  “This is good, slow steady progress” he said.  So he gave me another round of steroids for the dog (Dexamethasone, for those who care to know) and wants to see him in another week.  I went to the vet fearing that I was going to have to put Bailey to sleep . . . only for Bailey to lurch around on the slippery tile floor enough to show how much better he was doing.

Now I still am putting my Hope in Gods will.  Bailey still has to be able to make it up and down stairs or life at the apartment is going to be . . . interesting. 

But 10 days ago he was paralyzed.  Now he’s walking like a drunken sailor ! 

Hope . . . what a powerful thing.

I took Bailey to the vet yesterday to get check out.

No dice.

The vet thinks that there is some kind of spinal cord damage (by lesions maybe, or maybe from a bad seizure) and that it traveled up along the cord to the brain and settled there.  I don’t understand the details myself, but the vet says it happened to one of his dogs too so I guess it’s not unheard of. 

So I go back on Monday to have Bailey put to sleep.

I have so many conflicting emotions right now.  I haven’t been sleeping well, so that doesn’t help.  I want this whole thing to be over SOOO much I’m about to scream . . . but it being over means the Bailey will most likely be dead (unless God heals him and he gets up and starts walking before Monday).  I want it to end, and I don’t want it to end.  I want to treasure what time I have left with the dog but it also makes me so sad.  I also feel a little mad a God.  I felt that God spoke to me and said that Bailey would be healed if I dealt with some stuff from my past by talking to Pastor Steve.  So I dunno.  God knows best.  I know God is real and Jesus is real and that He sees the big picture that I cant see. 

I pray His will be done.

The apartment is going to be so lonely with out Bailey.

Well here’s the low down boys and girls.  I’m just going to be honest with you and tell you what’s going through my mind at the moment. 

I’ve been praying for Bailey for the past several days now.  And while praying I had this feeling that I was suppose to deal with some stuff in my life (that I’d been ignoring) and go tell our pastor about it so he could give me some guidance for dealing with this issue from my past.  So I did go talk with Pastor and things are good now.  I felt very strongly in praying that if I were to do that, if I were to go talk to Pastor and deal with this thing, that Bailey would be healed.  Or rather, that me not talking to Pastor and not dealing with this thing from my past would hinder Bailys healing.

I talked to Pastor this morning and went home after lunch to check on Dog and half expected him to be waiting by the door wagging his tail at me.  But he wasn’t.  He was pretty much where I left him this morning. 

I took him out to pee and, after about 10 minutes of coaxing, he finally did.  It’s nice that he’s finally peeing outside, but I still have to hold his front end up while he’s doing it.  When I try to get him to walk, he’s not moving his right rear leg forward . . . or when he does move it, it kind of crosses under him instead of moving forward and it’s usually curled instead of hitting paw side down.  He’s just not improving like he needs to be . . . like I want him to be. 

Tomorrow I take him to the vet to let the vet se how he’s doing.  Unless something changes between now and then . . . well I don’t think the vet holds out much hope for Bailey. 

I mean on the one hand, it’s a dog.  He’s a dog.  And if I had a wife or a girlfriend I’m sure that my love for the dog wouldn’t even compare to my love for them.  But I don’t . . . I have the dog. 

I also know that people even in my own church have lost family, spouses, and even children.  And me putting my dog to sleep cant even begin to compare to their loss.

But he’s my Dog.  And I feel that I heard God speak to me about talking to Pastor and that He was going to heal Bailey.  So there’s time left yet for Bailey to get better.  Even if tomorrow he’s not 100% and the doc wants to put him down, I don’t have to do it tomorrow.

I dunno.  I know it sounds stupid to be so torn up over a dog.  But I’ve invested so much of my life and love and time into this dog . . . he has a special place in my heart ya know ?

But ya know what.  I believe that God loves me infinatly more then I love Bailey.  That Got sent his only son to die for me . . . to die for me.  God loves me enough that he sent Jesus, and Jesus loves me enough to willingly die for me.  And I believe that their plans include what is best for me in the long run . . . even if I cant see what the big picture it.  So I’m trusting in God to do what His will is for me, what is best for me . . . even if it’s not what I’ve been asking for. 

God, your will be done.  Amen.

P.S. – thanks to everyone for leaving comments.  It helps.

Last night my friend Shawn (The1Shatgg on X-Box live) came over to the apartment to play some video games.  Bailey loves Shawn.  When he walked in the door, I though Bailey was going to shoot up off the floor.  He managed to get his front legs under him and push up on them and kind of scooted across the floor.  That was very encouraging to see. 

I’m taking him back to the vet on Friday to have him checked out again.  That’s the big day.  He needs to be able to walk by then.  I’m trying to work with him by taking him outside and standing him up and trying to make him move his feet.  It’s so cold out there though that we cant stay long.  We work on it in the house some but the linoleum is slick and I don’t want to try on the carpet for fear of a pee accident. 

Anywho, that’s the update.  Please keep praying for him to be able to walk by Thursday.  He making progress, but he still has a ways to go.

Oh yes.  I’m the IT / A-V guy here at my church . . . I set up and now maintain the Windows 2003 domain on three servers . . . . but I cant figure out how to properly put a picture in a post in Word Press.

So I made a seperate page and put them there.

www.arackas.com/bailey.htm

My dog Bailey is sick. 

Well when I say sick, I mean it looks like he had a stroke or something.

Long story short . . . Thursday lunch time I came home to let him out to pee and found him in the bath tub having a seizure (he has them from time to time and they usually only last 10 – 15 minutes).

This one lasted 40 minutes and during that time he was unable to move his right side at all (neither front nor rear leg). 

Obviously I took him to the vet. Well several days of IV drugs later he’s doing a little better.  Vet things some kind of clot traveled up his spine to his brain and . . . well you know the drill.

He’s back at the house with me now but still unable to stand up on his own.  Though he is moving his right legs more and more each day, he cant yet go to the bathroom by himself . . . when I take him outside and kind of get his legs positioned he leans on my leg and with minimal help is able to stand up.  But he wont go to the bathroom while I’m holding him . . . so after waiting outside for 5 – 10 minutes I carry him back inside and lay him down in his little area (a tarp over the carpet with a blanket and a fresh puppy training pad thing). 

Then after 45 minutes of him whining (because he has to go pee or poop but is freaking out because he doesn’t want to do it inside) he finally goes on the puppy pad thing.  Then I have to clean that up and wipe him down with a wash cloth (the urine not only smells but will irate his skin).  So from the time that he’s started to feel like he needs to pee until he’s all wiped down, I spend more then an hour working with him.  The antibiotics he’s taking give him the runs, and the anti-inflammatory / steroid I have to give him makes him drink and pee a LOT.

All this usually happens late in the evening or very early in the morning.  So I’m not sleeping very much.

And as much as I deeply love my dog and have been praying to God continually for him to get better, if he doesn’t get better pretty soon  . . . I’m going to have to put him to sleep.

I wouldn’t even be doing all this except he’s slowly getting better.  When all this started he couldn’t move right legs at all . . . not he can move them some.  I just wish I knew if he was going to regain full (or at least most) of his movement back.  His personality is intact, which makes the thought of putting him to sleep feel like I’m killing him.  But if he cant run and play again, or at least go to the bathroom unaided, that I wont have much of a choice.

But being stuck in limbo like this is wrecking me emotionally.  I’m exhausted from not sleeping and carrying him in and out and moving him and cleaning him and wiping up poop and pee . . . and I get frustrated when I’m just about to fall asleep and he whines and wakes me up.  I know he’s going through a lot, but so am I.  I cant even explain the range of emotions that I’m going through . . . and in the big picture this is just a dog ya know ?

Well no, he’s not just a dog . . . he’s my dog . . .  my Bailey . . .  and I want him back the way he was. 

More than anything, I want this to go one way or the other soon.

Well in order to get me in the habit of posting more often, I figured I’d give little updates through the day.

Breakfast: natural Oatmeal with raisins and honey.  Water . . . lots of water.

I still have some tension in my neck, for whatever reason, which is giving me a slight dull headache.  Besides that I feel great !  I miss caffeine a lot in the mornings though. 

This coming Monday our church is hosting an Extreme Body Makeover program.  This is a program basically to reeducate people on their eating habits and exercise.  It sounds very cheesy I know, but I’ve talked with Dr. Chad (the guy who is heading the program up) and he’s doing out of a book all based on sound principles.  Basically un-brainwashing people from what our society has said is normal (McDonalds eaten every day is normal . . . right ?).  It’s going to be good.

Well I still haven’t added any  video or pictures to the blog . . . I’m such a bad person.  Since I don’t take the laptop home with me (since it needs an external screen to work as the built in screen is cracked and broken) . . . I don’t have a lot of time to update the blog.  I should have a bit of time . . . well right now to do it as a matter of a fact. 

So Pastor Davis has asked the church to fast this month.  He didn’t specify a specific kind of fast for everyone to do, he left that up to the individual (though he did go over different kinds of fasts in service last week).  Basically you just give up something (usually a meal) and spend that time praying for the church and your family etc.  There are all kinds of health benefits in fasting food too. 

I’m doing what is called a Daniel Fast.  Which is a fast where you can’t eat things that were for royalty back in Old Testament times and things that the Jews couldn’t eat. 

Things you can’t eat:

1.)meat (because Daniel didn’t want to take the chance of eating non-kosher food and/or meat that was offered to idols . . . . according to www.christ-web.com).  Eggs (I’ve been told) also fall into this category.

2.)White Flour and all products using it

3.)White Rice, White Bread, Hominy, and Pasta

4.) Fried Foods or foods containing margarine, shortening, animal fat, or high fat products

5.)Caffeine

6.)Carbonated beverages (including diet sodas)

7.)Wine or any other alcoholic drinks

8.)foods containing Preservatives or Additives

9.)Refined Sugar

10.)Chemical Sugar Substitutes

So . . .

That basically leaves Fruits, Vegetables, Nuts, Beans, Seeds, and vegetable oil. Now my fast is only Breakfast and Lunch . . . for dinner I get to eat whatever I want.  I did this because someone (who will remain nameless . . . Veronica Vetter) convinced me to go on this fast (I was just going to fast lunch Monday through Thursdays for the month).  But since SOMEONE needed a fasting partner . . . I decided to do this. 

Now for dinner I don’t eat like fast food (except last night I did, fast food fish), I eat things like pasta with vegetables and stir fried vegetables and . . . well healthy things but not just limited to the Daniel Fast list.  And it may sound easy (just eat things from the list for Breakfast and Lunch and then have whatever you want for Dinner . . . just hold out till dinner) . . . but when you’ve basically lived off of fast food and frozen dinners for years . . . this is a hard thing to do. 

The no caffeine thing is . . . painful.  Literally painful. 

It’s day 7 of the fast.  I cheated one day and had breakfast . . . so I added a day to the fast.  And I have to say that the first few days were . . . rough.  My body was getting use to the hugely different diet.  The pains in my gut were almost as bad as the pains in my head.  And even today I had a headache.  I’ve been sleeping longer (I fell asleep at 8:30 last night and didn’t wake up till this morning) I think because my body is . . . well Detoxing for lack of a better word.

But I do have to say that when the headaches finally go away early in the afternoon . . . I feel great.  I little tired (why after I slept 11 hours I don’t know) . . . but I feel good.  I’m a little distracted (maybe due to no caffeine) . . . but I can honestly say that I feel better.

I think that in the next few days as my body fully adjusts to the fast (which is slated to end the 21^st for me) that I wont have as many headaches and I think I’ll just feel better and better.

I have to say that I’m SOOOOO craving a hamburger right now though.